The Being and the Life of the Child

By Royal E. Alsup, Ph.D.

The inherent quality of Grand Virtue
Always conforms only to Tao.
Tao is something dreamily winking and waning.
Waning, winking, it embodies forms;
Winking, waning, it embodies things.
It may seem receding afar and darkening,
Yet within it there is an essence.
This essence is very real.
Inside is something invariably vital.
From hoary antiquity to the present time,
Its effect has never gone awry,
And serves as witness to the Creator of all things.
How do I know the way of the Creator?
Through this (witness). -- Tao Teh Ching

The Tao, the Ground of Being, is the underlying reality of all existence. It is the Being that is always unfolding in the becoming of existence. The unfolding of the individual being in creation influences the Ground of Being. This mutual conversation is the great mystery of the Tao.

The Tao is referred to in various cultures by different names such as Krishna, Christ, Yahweh, Buddha, Brahman, Allah, Great Spirit, Mary, Great Mother and the Goddess. All of these traditions address a Supreme Personality, a transpersonal Being, which informs all things in the universe and becomes particularized in the life of the individual child. The birth of the Supreme Personality in the birth of each child is the essence of my own ontology--my philosophy of being--that I have termed "Existentialism of Personalism".

Existentialism of Personalism considers the human personality to be sacred and punctuates both the inner life of archetypal reality and the outer life as sacred. An "I-Thou" encounter with the Supreme Personality of the Creator takes place through dialogical meeting in the three aspects of human life--interpersonal relationships, the physical, natural world, and inner psychic phenomenology. Existentialism of Personalism embraces interconnected attitudes of aesthetic, sacred consciousness with social, political awareness. Transpersonal and existential realities are captured in the sacred and profane events of life. The ecstasy and numinous awesomeness of an I-Thou encounter with the Supreme Personality can be experienced in any time and in any place and through any object, person, or event. It is not limited to an inner, individualistic mysticality, nor is it particular to community worship and ceremony. The personal relationship with the Supreme Personality creates a "sense of being" and "becoming" that is spontaneous and goes on ceaselessly in a constant dialogue with self, other, and nature. It is contained in form and is experienced in existential, concrete everyday lived life.

Flora Jones, a Wintu medicine woman, speaks about the spirits like they are living personalities in a partnership of existence with human beings. She states:

This is what the spirit tells me--get my people
together...Whoever has sacred places must wake
them up, the same as I am doing here...to keep
my old world within my heart and with the spiritual.
For them to help me and for me to help my people.

The Personalism expressed by Flora Jones is the basis of most African American and American Indian traditions. Both of these traditions have a dual theme of Being-in-the-World and Being-beyond-the-World. The Supreme Personality is experienced as an integrated intelligence and love that is expressed through the archetypes of mythologies, rituals, worship, dreams and visions.

The meeting in the "Between" of the newborn and the parents brings forth an archetypal numinousity, which confirms that the Supreme Personality lies within the human personality as well as in the Ground of Being--in the meeting of the newborn child's "field of being" with the parents' "field of being". The Supreme Personality as a living personality in the field of being of both child and parent, offers love, knowledge, mystery, gift-giving and sharing in relationship with the human person. The I-Thou encounter between both child and parent brings to "awareness" constellations of fascination and fear, destiny and freedom, death and life, anxiety and joy, interest and surprise, love and shame, and guilt and excitement.

Existentialism of Personalism came out of my practice and theory in a sacred circle of understanding and interpretation through dialogue with American Indian and African American children and their families. Alex Haley (1976), in his book, Roots, describes how the father of Kunta Kinte presented his infant son to the universe. He writes, "Carrying little Kunta in his strong arms, he walked to the edge of the village, lifted his baby up with his face to the heavens, and said softly, '...Behold--the only thing greater than yourself'"(p.13). Haley is showing that the living universe is the father/mother of Kunta Kinte and that the child's personality is sacred. In the Navajo tradition the man who holds his infant up to Father Sun and says, "Father Sun, this is your child" is expressing that the universe is personal and loving. The Navajo infant is a direct descendant of the living universe and, therefore, its personality is sacred. African American and American Indian traditions demonstrate a continual dialogue or conversation between the human personality and the Supreme Personality which reveals the sacred and the profane as not separated, but forming an interconnected metaphysical reality that is re-mythologized in every I-Thou meeting between child and parent.

The I-Thou experience is impossible to maintain continuously within the existential lived world of child and family. The pressures of life and struggling to make a living interfere with the I-Thou and give way to an I-It relationship. The new parents of their first child think they have to be perfect because of the awesome responsibility of caring for a new life. They read in childcare books that they have to be consistent. The theme of consistency entered the field of child development several years ago and it is difficult to get young parents to realize that it is impossible to be consistent. This type of goal for good parenting has caused a lot of pain and hurt between parents. When consistency is a major concern in a family it creates a power struggle because each parent wants their particular style to dominate and dictate parenting style. One parent has to give in to the other so that the child will not be confused and thus both parents are dehumanized as one parent oppresses the other for the sake of consistency.

The once beautiful I-Thou encounter with the newborn has been replaced with an I-It power struggle that disrupts the basic needs of the child for safety, belongingness, love, respect, self-esteem and competence. The meeting of these basic needs is interrupted for all family members because the once creative relationship is ruptured by the dynamics of triangulation and restructuring of the family structure begins. Triangulation happens when the parents displace their anger on to the child who is blamed for disrupting the parents' beautiful relationship. The power struggle over style of parenting is shifted to the child and the parents start fighting through the child. It is safer to blame and punish the child than for the parents to fight or even to discuss the issue directly with each other. The hidden cause of trouble in this now dysfunctional family is the poor advice to maintain constancy that is so prevalent in the childcare literature. New parents' fear of responsibility, along with feeling that they have to be perfect and consistent, lead to ganging up on the child by triangulation.

The I-It separation of family members by triangulation and power struggle is relieved by periodic I-Thou encounters coming spontaneously as family members are playing and forgetting about the regular struggles of the day. It can also occur when the parents have had a horrible argument and are feeling impotent and their child takes her first step or says her first word. This is a thrilling moment in parenting. When an I-Thou experience comes it is a creative breakthrough that feels like a gift. The breakthrough is a mystical experience that is ineffable, transient, and seems to bring great knowledge and a reassurance that there is love in the family. The I-Thou unity experience gives the family members good loving memories that sustain them and help them through the conflicts of daily family living.

The spontaneous breakthrough of the I-Thou brings the experience that the yin energy of imagination, feeling and harmony is balanced with the yang energy of aggression, assertiveness, thinking and rational control. When the yin and yang are balanced the mystical quality reassures the family members that the Eternal Thou--the Supreme Personality--is in the mist of their existential struggles with daily stressors. The I-Thou experiences bring reassurance that within human limitedness there is hope and real freedom from anxiety and isolation through the love of the Eternal Thou--the Beloved.