Empathy and the Altruistic Child

By Royal E. Alsup, Ph.D.

Empathy is the ability for one to feel and intuit another's point of view and to be able to put oneself in the role of the other. Altruism is the genuine appreciation and concern for the values, feelings, thoughts and physical well being of other people and the willingness to act on those concerns even if it jeopardizes one's own welfare.

The family of Martin Luther King, Jr. was the vehicle through which MLK learned about the engaged spirituality that was prevalent in his African-American culture and which stressed selfless service. Altruism was role modeled in his culture along with empathic learning and a deep concern for the poor, the suffering and the outcast. These cultural and family settings are what shaped MLK's nonviolent ethic. MLK's family provided for his basic needs of shelter, safety, security, belonging, love, self-esteem and self-actualization. MLK felt loved because his parents, Mama King and Daddy King, responded empathically and were sensitive to the needs of their children. They disciplined Martin through "affective explanation." When MLK did something that hurt his brother or sister, his parents would inform him that his behavior was inappropriate and explain how his behavior was hurting his siblings. These scoldings distressed Martin but simultaneously drew his attention to the discomfort of the other child. Once Martin began to associate his own distress with that of his victims, the foundation for his love ethic was set in place.

Adolf Hitler was raised in a German culture that stressed corporal punishment and was cruel to children. The ideology at that time was one of extreme hatred and children entered hate training through severe beatings that were condoned by the German people. This nation produced the worst criminals in the history of the world. Adolf Hitler, and probably also the outlaws that constituted the Third Reich, were "battered children." The literature of child development indicates that children who are raised with punishment are violent and aggressive toward others, egocentric, lacking in empathy and not altruistic. Adults who were battered as children abuse their own children. Incidences of child abuse in families are much more frequent in those cultures that positively sanction physical force and violence.

The ecological perspective of the child includes the parents, day care, school, peer group, parents' work places, social networks, local governments, historical events and broader culture. All of these influences contribute to whether or not we raise children who develop empathy and altruism. Native American children who are raised to be family oriented, to care for their brothers and sisters, are taught sharing and giving, and where everyone in the tribe is seen as a relative are more likely to develop a cooperative, altruistic life style. The traditional Native American education that stresses intuitive, empathic learning through story telling and ceremony is an emotional bonding to community that invites caring. These children are encouraged to suppress competition and individualism, and to avoid interpersonal conflicts. Studies comparing these children with Anglo-American and Eastern Indian children who are encouraged to develop competition and individualism indicate that Native American children score higher in altruism.

Some child development researchers report that children seem to be naturally altruistic and that in non-industrialized societies like Mexico, Kenya and the Philippines children score higher in altruism than Anglo-American children. These findings have caused social scientists to speculate that human beings are born with "altruistic genes." Conditions of physical force, violence, competition and individualism distort and destroy the healthy development of genetic altruism. Environments that meet the child's basic needs of hunger, thirst, safety, security, belonging, attachment, love, self-esteem, competence and self-realization have a higher probability that empathy and altruism will grow and flourish. In homes where the parents are emotionally restricted and cold and the attachment to the child is weak, the child's needs are frustrated. A lack of concern for others is modeled and children from these families lack empathy and are violent and aggressive toward their peers. Such families have a tendency to use physical punishment for infractions of family rules; and these coercive practices produce neighborhood or school bullies. When these children are put in classes or groups that are specifically designed to teach empathy, the aggressive, coercive, violent behavior decreases and sharing, giving, caring and altruism increases.

The "Beloved Community" is the metaphor that MLK used for an idealized society where all personality would be enhanced and love, power and justice would create a community where children would be able to live and be honored for the content of their character and not the color of their skin. It would be a place where cooperation, sharing and giving would be balanced with competition. Schools and social agencies would use seminars and classes to promote empathy so that aggression and violence would decline in the United States and in the world. Currently in the United States the incidence rate of violent crimes such as rape, assault, robbery and homicide is higher per capita than in any other stable democracy. We could create a Beloved Community as envisioned by MLK where adults would use more compassionate child rearing methods. Social agencies dealing with aggressive delinquent behavior would use more humane practices and techniques that have been proven by research to redirect children's behavior effectively.

Studies show that rescuers like Mr. Schindler in the movie, "Schindler's List", were raised with empathy and had close warm ties with their parents who were moralists who acted with ethical principles. Families that have low levels of coercion in the everyday lived life and practice ethical, flexible rules raise nonviolent, compassionate, altruistic children. In these families empathy is learned by all the family members owning their own problems and by becoming aware of how they effect the other members of the family, by not giving a lot of advice nor lecturing moralistic rules. Empathy and altruism are learned in families where warm ethical behavior is demonstrated through mutual respect. Troubled marriages and troubled families that use active listening and less coercion to solve their problems honor the sacredness of personality by creating a family environment that accepts wholeness. Communities that rely on empathic teachings and social learning models of selflessness and concern for others have less aggression and violence.

Martin Luther King had a dream of a Beloved Community where love, empathy and altruism would be the criteria for measuring if the society was moving close to his dream for the children. Adolf Hitler had a dream of a community based on hatred, destruction, coercion, punishment and violence. Hitler's community used child beatings to make the child conform to the society. This highly coercive community created every obstacle and barrier to wholeness in order to maintain a broken community of fear. The coercive punishment used on children in Hitler's community lowered their self-esteem and interfered with the child's competence. When such brutal child rearing systems are used on a large scale and are encouraged by the dominant society, it systemically destroys democracy.

Collective human weakness creates barriers and obstacles in healing our broken communities. What kind of community are we choosing for our children? Are we using community wide practices with our children that would bring about a Beloved Community, a dream of a true democracy? Or are we using community wide practices with our children that give us a broken community and the destruction of democracy?