Dare to Love?

by Royal E. Alsup, Ph.D.

Two very different family styles are common in our society-the "child-centered" family and the "parent-centered" family. Both styles have positive aspects that benefit children and parents and very serious weaknesses that can lead to terrible problems such as child abuse and neglect or parental resentment. A third family style, the "creativity-centered" family, uses mutuality, shared responsibility and creative communications to create an environment in which both parents and children can thrive.

The child-centered family can be characterized by the motto, "I have to give up myself to take care of my children." Child-centered parents are often well informed about their children's needs in terms of their developmental stage. They are concerned about having an environment in which the child encounters very little frustration and their developmental potential reaches its maximum expression. Infants, children and youth are given the protection, certainty and warmth they need to flourish. In the child-centered family stress is concentrated on the parents who sometimes sacrifice everything for their child. Consequently, the parents may suffer problems such as low self-worth and frustration. Their own growth and potentials are ignored as all of their resources are invested in the child. The adult's anger and frustration can become so profound that it may lead to closet alcoholism, child abuse or neglect.

The child-centered family was strong until mid-century when enormous technological advances ushered in the postmodern world. Economic and historical trends have drastically changed families and styles of parenting. For meaningful employment a higher level of education is now required. More fields are open to women because of less reliance on physical capacities and more emphasis on abilities of the mind. Often both parents must work and jobs can be far from home and community. The self-growth of the parent has become important. All these changes brought about the development of the parent-centered family whose motto is, "If I take care of myself, my children will be fine."

In parent-centered families children are sometimes left to fend for themselves. The result can be latchkey and abandoned children who may turn to gangs and drugs to feel good about themselves. Some children spend many hours in childcare centers because their parents have to work long hours. These conditions cause a complete shift in family functioning because parents can no longer be the sole authority in the family. The locus of authority has now shifted into a sharing of authority with the parents, children, adolescents and other care providers in the child's life. Demands are made upon the child to be competent and to develop their own self-esteem. Children must provide for many of their own needs that were previously met by parents. These shifts in functioning place an enormous amount of stress on the child in the parent-centered family.

Parents are not completely to blame for the injustices that befall children, youths and parents in both the child-centered and parent-centered family styles. These family systems developed out of historical, economic and technological conditions that demanded certain responses. The "creativity-centered" family style provides powerful alternatives to restore balance and to meet the needs of both children and parents. The creativity-centered family style is focused on the idea that, "We are all in this together. Let's make it a win-win situation."

Creativity-centered parenting uses dialogue and conversation, influence and loving concern instead of coercion, punishment and control. The aim of this approach is to bring about responsible self-discipline. A heavy demand is put on all family members to be responsive to one another in order to insure healthy family functioning. An important part of creativity-centered parenting is the family meeting. This technique says to us as parents, "Dare to love."

l. Choose a time when everyone is available. The choice needs to be a joint decision, which represents a shift to mutual authority in the family. By ten years of age and older children can be taught to keep an appointment book and can be participants in this decision.

2. Establish a sacred place in the house for the meeting. This helps everyone remember that the meeting is very special and that it holds important meaning for the whole family. The place can be made sacred by lighting a candle or incense. A special dish can be used for snacks. The area can be smudged with burning sage to purify it.

3. The family meeting becomes a sacred time. To begin this special time someone can say a prayer, read a cherished passage from a book or recite a favorite poem. This is a clear sign to everyone that they are moving into a time that is vital for family discussion. The family's own mythical time is marked off from ordinary, worldly time and everything that happens now is sacred. Making this a sacred process creates safety to talk about the family and individual shadows.

4. A family member holds a sacred object such as an eagle feather, a beautiful stone or even a special piece of jewelry to show that it is their turn to talk. When it is passed to the next person, it is a sign that they can begin to speak. This practice stops people from interrupting each other. Each person knows that when they hold the sacred object the other members of the family will listen to them. Holding the sacred object makes the individual seem sacred to the other family members and makes what that person has to say seem more important. The choice of which sacred object to use can be rotated among the family members. This act of sharing gives each person the feeling that they are important.

5. Make sure that compliments and gripes are balanced during the meeting. Some people will close down if they hear negative comments on their behavior. Others will withdraw if they hear about good aspects of their personality, thinking "this isn't real" or "you're trying to control me through being nice." Because of these kinds of differences in people it is important to understand each other's temperament and to honor each person's personality and uniqueness.

6. Decisions that are made to correct a family member's problem or a whole family dysfunction need to be reached through a family consensus. There needs to be 100 percent agreement on proposed solutions to problems. Developing a family agreement replaces coercion and punishment with democratic and creative problem solving techniques. A family agreement involves the whole family and the whole person. Creative problem solving techniques will be described in detail in an upcoming article.

7. Post an agenda sheet in a private place at least three days before a scheduled family meeting. Each person can add issues to the agenda. This alleviates fears that someone is going to be a victim of a surprise attack, collusion or conspiracy by another family member. Having a scheduled meeting time and posted agenda promotes the ability to delay gratification as issues come up and family members are assured that the problem will be discussed at the next meeting.

8. Family schedules and calendars are worked out during weekly family meetings. The busy postmodern family needs to coordinate their efforts so that no one will feel abandoned and neglected by being left alone or stranded during the week. Developing the family schedule and calendar together delegates responsibilities to family members and helps to balance the unilateral authority and the mutual authority in the family.

9. Each family member has the right to express their views and how they feel through any medium they choose. Younger children may want to express their feelings through puppets or some form of play. Another family member may want to do some storytelling or read a poem. This encourages creativity for correcting family dysfunction.

10. The special frankness of the family meeting conversation is unique as members can say anything they want within the boundaries of the family meeting. Everyone needs to understand that they will not be punished for it. An open exchange reveals family secrets and helps keep child abuses from happening.

Family meetings correct the imbalances and unhealthy functioning of both the child-center family and the parent-centered family. Creative family meetings place the stress and responsibility on all family members for healthy family functioning. Mutual sharing encourages family members to move from control toward influence. The creativity-centered family aims to meet the basic needs of all family members and to enable the parents and the children to flourish, to grow, to feel competent, to have high self-worth and to feel loved.

References

Elkind, D. (1994). Ties that stress: The new family imbalance. Cambridge: Harvard University Press.

Gordon, T. (1989). Discipline that works: Promoting self-discipline in children. New York: Plume.