Living in Stepfamilies

Stepfamily dynamics are very complex. The stepfamily is the result of a remarriage for one or both parents, where children from one or both parents reside with the family either full time or part of the time. With the divorce rate exceeding 50%, the experience of being part of a stepfamily touches the lives of many hundreds of thousands of adults and children. Problems between parents, stepparents, biological children and stepchildren cause tremendous amounts of heartache and pain.

Descriptions of stepfamily dynamics outlined in Saxton's book, The Individual, Marriage, and the Family (1996) have influenced the development of this article. Relationships between ex-spouses are very influential in the stepfamily environment. According to Ahrons (1994), ex-spouse relationships tend to fall into five distinguishable forms. I have given the five types the following names: Invisible Partners, Codependent Friends, Independent-Codependents, Attacking Peers and Peaceful Friends.

An Invisible Partner is a noncustodial parent who is physically out of the relationship with their children. The noncustodial absent parent is usually the father since mothers most often get custody of the children. Noncustodial fathers often do not keep in contact with their children. Saxton reports that fewer than half the children between the ages of eleven to seventeen with divorced parents see their father and as high as 40% have not seen their father for the previous five years. The absent father enters the stepfamily as a fantasy father. Stepchildren wonder about their absent parent and imagine how life would be different if the phantom ghostly father were actually present. The fantasy is compared to the actual stepfather who may never quite measure up.

Ex-spouses who are Codependent Friends give mixed messages to the children and to each other. On the surface they may seem friendly and cooperative. Underneath, however, there is seething conflict, resentment or frustration that is not openly expressed. They play psychological games with each other to gain a sense of control. Games are patterns of interaction in which one person in a conflict seeks to inflict a loss on the other-to establish a winner and a loser (Saxton, 1996). The game playing keeps everyone confused and dissatisfied.

Boundaries are indistinct between Codependent Friends and they do not clearly maintain emotional and physical separation. The ambiguous relationship between the ex-spouses is a threat to the new partner and it keeps the reconciliation fantasies of the children alive. The children see the separated parents interacting emotionally with each other rather than in a clearly business manner as they deal with visitations, baby sitting arrangements or school happenings. Ex-spouses who are Codependent Friends create hurtful misunderstandings within the stepfamily and hurt the children by having poor boundaries and playing psychological games that provoke deep resentment about the divorce.

Independent-Codependent ex-spouses engage in passive-aggressive encounters and play serious psychological pain games. Relationship boundaries are blurred and the ex-spouses remain connected through constant underground resentment that is felt by the children and the new spouse. Sometimes ex-spouses stay connected by attacking each other indirectly as they make nasty remarks about the absent parent to the children. Using their children in this manipulative manner is very destructive to the psychological health of the young people. The undercurrent of hostile connection between the divorced parents hurts the children because they often feel a responsibility to take care of both parents.

Independent-Codependent ex-spouses display passive aggressive behavior by being late to pick up the children or to bring them home after visitation or by being delinquent with the needed child support or spousal support money. These manipulations break into the stepfamily boundaries. Resentments about the financial situation can cause marital problems in the remarriage. The resulting bitterness and frustration rupture the children's relationships with the stepparent. Stepparents may dislike taking care of children who resent them and with whom they need to bond to make their remarriage work.

Ex-spouses who fight openly and are addicted to the excitement of the fight fall into the category of Attacking Peers. Their marriage probably involved domestic violence and the verbal violence continues after the divorce. The resentment between the Attacking Peers keeps the stepfamily attached to the ex-spouse muddies the family boundaries and interferes with the bonding of the stepfamily. Disappointments caused by problems in coordinating visitations can lead to explosions of anger that destroy the cohesion of the stepfamily. Reneging on visitation promises, such as refusing to take the children for the summer, can be events for intense blow-ups. Verbal violence may be directed at the ex-spouse, the stepparent or the children as the tension in the family is released in noncreative ways. When visitation does not happen as planned the children may feel depressed and rejected by the noncustodial parent and they might displace this resentment on to any member of the stepfamily. Attacking Peer parents model for their children that verbal violence is permissible and the emotional climate of the stepfamily is miserable and explosive.

The Peaceful Friends relationship of ex-spouses creates the most favorable situation for the health of a remarriage and stepfamily. Ex-spouses in this type of relationship have clearly established internal household boundaries and external family boundaries. They are assertive, friendly and honest in contrast to Codependent Friend ex-spouses who engage in game playing, harbor hidden hostility and have poor boundaries. Peaceful Friend ex-spouses most likely went through a creative divorce for mutual growth reasons and not because of resentment or anger. The parents may have realized the children would be better off if the marriage ended. Peaceful Friend ex-spouses are family oriented and can reframe the breakup of the marriage as a challenge and not as a loss. Ex-spouses model for their children that it is important to live authentically and not to be in bad faith to oneself by lying and denying the cost of keeping the family together. The focus of living an authentic, honest life is maintained after divorce and remarriage. The divorced parents try to make the children's inevitable transitions in divorce and remarriage as easy as possible. Children of these ex-spouses have the security and freedom to bond with their stepparent and they often feel like the divorce of their father and mother has improved all of their lives.

The Elements of a Successful Stepfamily

No matter what type of relationship exists between the ex-spouses, the healthy functioning of any stepfamily can be improved by paying attention to the following elements: roles, rules, boundaries, communications, cohesion and commitment.

Learning new roles is crucial for the success of the stepfamily and the challenge is difficult for all family members. Can the stepparent learn to love and care for the children who belong to another person? Can the parents tolerate the intrusion of the noncustodial parent? Can the children learn the new role of being stepchildren, sometimes with new stepsiblings? These questions need to be answered in the everyday lives of the stepparent, biological parent and stepchildren. The success of learning new roles depends on the family members' motivation to make the remarriage work.

Stepfamily rules need to be flexible as the children learn their new roles of being stepchildren. Rules are determined by the internal boundaries and external boundaries and limits that the stepfamily decides upon. They are appropriate for each family member's developmental stage in life and they are flexible enough to change as needs within the family change. Unhealthy rules are not openly decided upon, they are based on hidden agendas within the family and are not flexible. Such rules are used to control family members under the disguise of providing protection. An example is that when a family goes through the emotional and physical chaos of a divorce, the children may not be adequately supervised. Then when a remarriage occurs and more time and energy is available to attend to the children, they may react negatively to an increase in supervision. It becomes essential that new stepfamily rules be discussed and negotiated openly so that all stepfamily members can understand and agree to them. Clear rule negotiation avoids the unhealthy development of psychological games being played within the stepfamily to deal with conflict.

Internal and external boundaries have to be clearly set for successful stepfamily bonding and attachment. The stepparent and custodial parent need good healthy boundaries between themselves and the children that assure the safety of the remarriage and the security of the children. Internal boundaries within the family protect the children against incest boundary violations and maintain the discipline safety net. Good internal boundaries prohibit the stepchildren from disrupting the remarriage agreement of the stepparent and custodial parent. Clear external boundaries protect the stepfamily from outside disrupters who would interfere with bonding and health, such as a Fighting Peer ex-spouse. Boundaries rely on healthy communications to negotiate limitations and changes as they become appropriate.

Verbal conversation, nonverbal body language, gestures and voice intonation determine the quality of family communications. This invisible environment needs to have good flexible rules and roles that can change as the children age. Functional communications negotiate differences and allow enough diversity for the stepfamily members to be able to express their individuality. Healthy communications help the stepfamily negotiate the repair of broken internal and external boundaries. Effective methods of communication such as family meetings and active listening provide structures to define and redefine the stepfamily's commitment to each other and to sustain the motivation to keep an open, healthy stepfamily process.

Stepfamily cohesion generates feelings of unity and shared commitment. There is a willingness to negotiate the unique needs of each family member while maintaining the stepfamily harmony. Particular conflicts and agreements can be worked through when the stepfamily members appreciate each other's uniqueness and when they honor gender and developmental differences. Healthy family cohesion allows the stepfamily to remain an open system in which the individual members can express their own creative life as it unfolds. Cohesiveness becomes a dependable crucible in which stepfamily members can feel safe and passionate about their commitment to the success of the stepfamily.

Commitment is the glue that holds a stepfamily together. Committed stepfamily members work to nourish a strong attachment between all family members. An underlying structure of meaning and love motivates the committed stepfamily members to feel and express pride in being part of the family. The stepparents are proud to claim the stepchildren as family members. The stepchildren are proud to claim the stepparent as their parent. Proudly claiming their remarriage, as partners in love, the stepparent and custodial parent stand united. It is important to let the children and the community knows that the couple is committed to making their remarriage work. Children need to know they are valued, honored and loved in the stepfamily. Family bonding, attachment and love make the stepfamily members feel safe. They share in a passion to negotiate change and differences so that the stepfamily can remains open, evolving and growing in love.

Reference

Ahrons, C. R. (1994). The Good Divorce. New York: HarperCollins.

Saxton, L. (1996). The Individual, Marriage, and the Family. Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing.