By Royal E. Alsup, Ph.D.

Our swollen concern for ourselves ... constitutes the worst threat in life. And the teachings of every religion bear [it] out. Repeatedly we are told that ego or self-will, our drive to be separate from the wholeness of creation, is the source of all our suffering. It keeps us from accepting others, from sympathy and quick understanding. More than that, it alienates us from the supreme Reality we call God. It alone prevents us from knowing that, as Meher Baba put it, “You and I are not ‘we’; you and I are one."
-- Eknath Easwaran    

  Putting others first is part of Easwaran's Eight-point Program. The life of Joey Benko, a boy who was diagnosed with AIDS at six years of age, is an inspiring example of the profound effect that putting others first has on one's life and the lives of those he or she touches. He was sick for seven years and died in September 1993 when he was just 12 years old. During his short life, Joey was on fire with love.

I interviewed Joey's mother, Linda Benko, and their true names are used here with her permission. The generous sharing of her son's story and her own poetry reveal the love ethic of selfless giving that Linda and her husband taught and modeled for their son through helping the homeless and giving to those less fortunate than themselves.

Joey had an intense personal desire to wipe away the ignorance and prejudice of the world about AIDS. He felt the discrimination of people who were afraid of him because of his disease. People acted as though they could catch the HIV virus just by being around him. This young boy stood bravely with love against the fears of others.

He spoke at many schools in the San Francisco Bay Area about how it was to live with AIDS. Joey spent time training professionals to work sensitively with young AIDS patients, and he was a counselor and participant in Camp Sunburst, a summer camp program for children with AIDS. He was interviewed by television reporters and was the subject of photographic essays and posters. As he did his work, he watched the veil of ignorance melt in the presence of love. Joey was a modern day Job who, like the Biblical Job, stood with love against the prevailing ignorance of his day. Joey and Job educated their people that bad things can happen to good people.

During a presentation on AIDS that Joey was giving at a San Francisco high school, an adolescent gang member, with a beeper hooked to his belt, said, "You know, I really admire you because you have guts to do this. If I had AIDS, I'd be so angry I would go out and infect as many people as possible." Joey's courage and love for humanity, and his demonstration of putting others first, were in his answer to this young tough guy. Joey answered, "You know what? I'm glad I have AIDS and you don't, because I can handle it and you can't." The gang member and apparent drug dealer was so moved that he threw his beeper in the garbage on the way out of the classroom. Joey may have helped save other children from drug addiction by loving this young man.

Joey astounded people with his altruism and compassion. At the Pediatric Clinical Research Clinic where he sometimes went for treatment, many younger kids who were HIV positive were having tests and treatments. If Joey noticed that any of the children were upset, he would go to them and say, "This is a snap. Get your treatment and we'll play a game later." He encouraged other children not to give up, and he loved to help younger children cope with their pain and suffering. A two and half year old girl had severe AIDS and would not eat. Joey made her laugh to trick her into eating. While their laughter filled her soul, she would eat without thinking.

Witnessing the depth of Joey's courage to live with death as his partner taught Mrs. Benko about her own mortality and weaknesses, and about the dying process. She adamantly states that "when someone is dying, they have the right to know it, so that they have a choice to die the way they want to" When he first realized he was going to die, Joey told his mother, "I'm going to die from this, and I don't want you to be upset." Linda spoke of his compassion for her and how close they were. "He knew his death would break my heart and make it almost impossible for me to live," she said. Joey told his mother, "Don't cry for me. I want you to go on with your life. I'll be waiting for you on the other side." Joey refused to be self-absorbed about his own death, although he certainly had fear.

As Mrs. Benko and I talked about her son Joey, his living and his dying, the grace of the Great Sustainer and the Eternal Sophia filled the room with love and wisdom. Linda graciously shared this poem, her farewell to her son. Linda's poetry and the posters, photographic essays, interviews, and stories about Joey are testimonials that the development of love and illumination through selfless service truly brings immortality.

Wayfaring Friend

By Linda Benko

    I broke down, broke down,
and let him in.
    Let him into my heart.
    Never asked him where he came from,
Where he had been.
    And he became my love,
My Wayfaring Friend,
My beautiful Wayfaring Friend.
    In him there was no darkness,
Only light.
    Whether I saw him by the truth of day,
Or by his times of starry eyed angel night.
The spirit of the eagle is his sign.
    He is the heart of everything that is,
Everything that has ever been.
    May his spirit rise to unfathomable heights.
    Take wing, take flight, 
My beautiful Wayfaring Friend.
And I love him with a love
that lives beyond all reason,
Beyond all rhyme.
    A love with no walls, no doors,
No windows, no floors,
No past, no present, no space, no time.
    My soul is full of him,
A fullness with no beginning,
No middle, no end,
    My beautiful Wayfaring Friend.

But he has gone before me
Into the deepest dream of God,
Into the last great mystery.
    Into that place where all that are living must go,
Every last one.
Every blade, every flower, every tree.
He waits for me, waits for me there,
    My beautiful Wayfaring friend.
    My precious Wayfaring Friend.

So I wait with patience
And console my spirit
In this sure and certain thought.
I rest my weary mind
That the trials he endured,
His pain and disillusion,
    were not for naught.
    And someday I will see him,
See him again.
    My beautiful Wayfaring Friend.
Laughing. Dancing. Singing.
    My precious, Beautiful Friend.

We cannot fully know what enabled a dying child to discover that by putting others first, he could give his life meaning, purpose, and beauty. He lived his life with generosity, honesty, and courage, within the terrible limitations of AIDS. Joey Benko struggled to replace fear with trust and hope, and to replace hatred with love and understanding. He was a witness to Love through selfless service to others. His was a true hero's journey.

Reference

Easwaran, E. (1978). Meditation: Commonsense Directions for an Uncommon Life. Petaluma, CA: Nilgiri Press.