The Happy Way of Living in Relationship

by Royal E. Alsup, Ph.D.

Four styles of parent relationships reveal ways that families create pain or maintain happiness and health. Relationship styles of the parents-dependent, co-dependent, independent and interdependent-lead to very different family life environments and directly affect the psychological and physical health of the children. Interdependence is the happy way.

The relationship between parents affects how children learn to relate to people throughout their life span. Different emotional climates between the adults, like enduring happiness or despair, directly affect their styles of parenting. As children watch the way parents connect to each other it builds internal images that guide the children's future relationships. These internal models can be changed; they are not carved in stone. A person's life experiences can change their expectations of how people are apt to treat each other. Human resiliency and the abundance of life offer possibilities for connection to people of different backgrounds, expectations and experiences that can help each partner to heal the wounds from their families of origin.

Dependent Relationship

When one person puts their partner on a pedestal and tries to imitate the life style of the adulated one, they are in a dependent relationship. The mottos are, "I will give up what I want in order to be like you," and "Why don't you get a life of your own?" These two positions show the inevitable power struggle of the dependent relationship, where neither the adulated one nor the conforming one gets their needs for meaning and intimacy met.

Bottom-dog and top-dog are metaphors that describe this relationship. Top-dog feels all-powerful because she can make decisions unilaterally and is rarely questioned. For example, if she likes to shop, the whole family goes shopping. Bottom-dog has to submit his decisions and opinions to her for confirmation. He wants to please top-dog and feels her approval when he receives a biscuit and a pat on the head for relegating his power to her. At this point bottom-dog feels alive and empowered because he has found meaning in making top-dog feel good. Top-dog feels proud of herself, inflated with her own importance, power, and social appearance. This is the relationship of the pleaser and the pleased. Although it seems to show a balance, this kind of relationship is saturated with underlying dishonesty, discontent and insecurity.

Children of parents who maintain a dependent relationship are called into service by the pleaser to help keep the adulated one on the pedestal. They are taught to keep that parent happy at all costs, even at the cost of not expressing their own opinions, needs and reactions. The children may grow up to become either type of partner in the dependent relationship-the pleaser or the pleased (even if the imbalance of power is hidden and the adulated one is opening adored). Family members are not able to actualize their own particular potentials for excellence if those abilities and qualities do not support the expectations and social image of the parent on the pedestal.

Co-dependent Relationship

Anger, fear and shame run rampant in the co-dependent relationship. Mutual power struggles go on continually, with each partner trying to convince the other that their opinion is the right viewpoint. The motto is, "I have my truth and you can't deny that I'm right." Co-dependent relationships often involve some kind of addiction, with a user and a maintainer of the status quo, even if they say, for example, "I can't stand your drinking."

The healthy expression of one's viewpoint in the co-dependent relationship is not allowed. Differences are not accepted and a common ground is not agreed upon to settle conflicts. Anger is used to control others. This type of relationship creates "rageaholics," trading off who wins the struggle, while no one wins meaning and love. Angry interactions lead to fears of losing one's partner or of being seriously physically and/or emotionally hurt by them. Becoming like each other can sometimes appease fears (for example, sharing addictions), yet no one feels satisfied. The fiery use of rage to hurt each other creates shame. Deceit to one's partner and a lack of faith to one's true self are the hallmarks of a co-dependent relationship that lead to the destruction of the partnership. The partners feel hopeless and helpless to get their basic needs met.

Children share the anger, shame and fear in this very painful relationship atmosphere. As children observe their parents using verbal violence to influence each other, they are indirectly abused and they suffer the shame that the adults, caught up in their self-righteous fighting and arguing, may not be admitting. Children may act out the overwhelming shame and fear that they carry for the adults through some sort of addiction. Family members may buy into the false mirage of release from pain that is promised on the "menu of addictions" offered by the addicted American society.

Independent Relationship

The model of the independent relationship is held high in American culture. Rugged individualism demands that only a minimum of neediness and weakness be communicated or even consciously felt. The motto is, "I need my space. Don't bother me with your neediness." Partners make an unconscious agreement to love each other without placing demands upon each other. Avoidant behaviors guard against expressing any weakness or fear of not being loved. There is a lack of respect for the one who shows jealousy or demands that their needs be met. Yet much energy is exerted to look good, to seem to be sharing on an intimate emotional or spiritual level. The truth is, the strong, silent type is sometimes, really empty. In independent relationships, two passive aggressive personalities fight to win the power struggle of not needing the other person. The resulting isolation makes family members vulnerable to addictions to overcome the pain of loneliness and despair.

Children in this relationship climate learn to be restricted, to avoid disclosing feelings and to deny needing affection, which would be a sign of weakness. These children learn to conceal themselves, not showing any signs that others might read that would reveal their hidden nature and vulnerabilities. They display defensive behavior and contempt for weakness, learning to avoid intimacy at a cost of passion and love that destroys their personality. Showing signs of any emotion induces self-hate. Even positive emotions like excitement and joy are inhibited. Sadly, if they experience a negative emotion, they think they themselves are bad. The normal experience of negative emotions that helps a child read his environment and relationships is denied, leaving the child vulnerable to dangerous people. Loneliness, lack of self-awareness and low self-esteem are characteristics of people who live in an atmosphere of exaggerated independence.

Interdependent Relationship-The Happy Way

A truly holistic, healthy relationship that thrives on intimacy and honesty in expressing feelings and thoughts is the interdependent relationship. It is based on strong mutual trust that is developed through honest and courageous self-examination, safety in self-disclosure and clear communications. Intimacy is truly experienced when diversity of thinking and feeling is allowed in the relationship. Partners are not afraid to express their need to be comforted when they feel fear or insecurity. Jealousy is accepted as a sign that the relationship needs to be protected, that the boundaries need to be improved. The motto shows a commitment that "I will be loyal and faithful to the relationship and will practice my best not to be deceitful to my partner and to be in good faith with myself ." Being able to express weaknesses and strengths makes partners feel safe and passionate within the relationship. The experience of wonder and novelty maintains passion, intimacy and safety. Interdependent relationships stress equality and freedom, not domination and bondage.

Happiness is a by-product of the way people live. Children of parents who practice interdependence learn healthy boundaries, to express both positive and negative emotions, to resolve conflicts and to maintain effective communications within the family. They enjoy high self-assurance because they have developed an acute sense of self-awareness.

Self-expression, uniqueness of personality and the basic qualities of a good life are all encouraged and provided for. The parental interdependent relationship creates a family atmosphere that teaches the children how to be cheerful and contented and to have a happy life style. Interdependence is a form of happy parenting.