How Distortions in Communication
Interfere with Nonviolence, Part I

By Royal E. Alsup, Ph.D.

Distortions of thinking, feeling and body gestures create confusion, ignorance, pain and suffering in the conditions of human life. These distortions in communications interrupt and present barriers to nonviolent ways of living. Distortions of communications include exaggerations, minimizations, denials and misrepresentations. Such distortions make nonviolent communications impossible because they interfere with the participants' abilities to agree upon a consensus reality that stresses both compassion and justice.

Distorted communications can start in any part of a person's personality or life situation. They arise out of the interaction of the whole person and their involvement with the context or ecology of their life. Points of possible distortion caused by ignorance include: thoughts, feelings, behaviors, life style, the task or project itself, and environment. The trigger for distorted communications can come from any of these points of entry, and they can originate from within the individual or from the environment or from the interaction of the person with any or all of the elements listed above. As I discuss each aspect of experience, it must be remembered that all elements interact reciprocally and influence the whole, while the whole determines and influences each part. Only for the sake of discussion and insight are they dissected and separated.

Thoughts:

The attitude a person brings to the school or the family vibrates with a certain positive or negative energy that other people can feel. The energy vibrating from a person's attitude creates certain thoughts in self and others, such as, "I'm willing to work and play in harmony," or "Stay away from me. I don't want to be bothered." When the thoughts do not match the authentic attitude of the person, family member, classmate or teacher, the thoughts are being distorted. The energy transmitted to a person's environment from their thinking can affect the outer situation, even as the outer situation is affecting one's perceptions. The "in-between" is where inner and outer reality act out life's dramas.

Emotions:

Distortion of emotions takes place when we are emotionally attached to a certain goal, and the events of the situation do not feed or satisfy that cherished emotion. Anger, sadness and even joy create desires and wishes for certain outcomes in our environment and can distort our thinking and perceptions when those feelings are exaggerated or denied. Differences in intensity or quality of emotions felt by different individuals or family and school participants can cause miscommunications because everyone does not share the same reality. When distorted emotions are felt coming from within the individual or because of events in the outer environment, nonviolence is defeated because of too much criticism and defensiveness.

Behaviors:

A person's behavior includes their speech, body language and actions (boisterous, restrained, formal, value oriented or rational). Behavior is judged appropriate or disturbing depending upon the culture or social group in which it occurs. An individual also attributes meanings and intentions to the behaviors of other people, based on their own internal and perhaps distorted emotions, thinking and perceptions. This is why certain behaviors trigger distortions for some people and not for others, and in some situations and not in others. Misunderstandings and distortions of another person's behavior cause most domestic and gang violence. A distorted view of another's behavior can lead to behavior distortions of our own.

The Target Project:

The political arena reveals how an event like war can become a project for distorted communications. Deciding to go to war is made easier when each side of the conflict believes God is on their side, and the war becomes a "just" war. The project gets support when the "in-group" fights the "out-group" with distorted communications. The enemy is described and masked as an evil threat to all decent, good citizens. People righteously support the project of war with distorted thinking, emotions and behaviors that allow them to advocate violence toward the enemy, and to deny their collusion with the torture and destruction of innocent human beings. This same distortion of thinking and feeling occurs in domestic violence and child abuse and is the basis of most human rights violations.

This type of distortion allowed Congressman Riggs to approve and support putting pepper spray in the eyes of youths demonstrating to demand democracy. In answer to Riggs' question as to why these children were not in school, I assert that they were in the school, the school of democracy and love in action.

Life Style:

The style of communications-authoritarian, coercive, creative and democratic-can determine if distorted communications are minimized or exaggerated. The more coercion, threat and authoritarianism is used, the more people will project their own weaknesses, faults and lies on to each other. Creative and democratic communication styles permit all people in the problem situation to see their own lies and truths within the unconscious communication situation, allowing the unconscious of the participants to be made conscious. Distortions of feelings and thoughts are clarified and alleviated. Efficient nonviolent problem solving enables goals to be reached with mutual equanimity and satisfaction, guaranteeing a greater chance that the change that is being negotiated in family or school will be stable.

Environment:

The invisible communication environment prescribes roles and rules for talking, behaving and interacting. The physical environment, the energy that is passed between people, and the processes that are being enacted influence behavior. Environment determines the process and style of negotiations and experimentation with communications. Rigidity of roles and rules in the environment ("I'm the parent. Do what I say."), or changes in expectations ("I'm a teenager now. I don't have to listen to you anymore.") create the need for the roles and rules to change. Creative and democratic family and school interactions allow compromises and minimize distortions of communications when such normal developmental changes are being negotiated.

The Distortions

l. Crystal Ball Reader: You know what a person is going to say before they finish, without checking it out. "Hurry up! I know what you mean."

2. The Psychic: You are sure you know the future by common predictors. "I knew you were meant for me because I had a dream about you."

3. The Worry Wort: Something always has to go wrong. "I have a beautiful job and my child is in the best school, but this is too good to be true."

4. Staying in a Rut: Your expectations never change. "No matter what I do, she always lies to me."

5. Nothing is Right: There is always something wrong. "I found a beautiful house with a great mortgage, but the place must have bad neighbors or the school in this district must be awful."

6. Everything is Bad: Viewing the world through dark glasses. "This is a hard university, and I don't fit in. The other students are not my type and they don't like me. Besides, all my classes are terrible."

7. Going Oceanic: When one part of my life is horrible it floods into the rest of my life. "My boss was horrible today. I got home from work and my wife and children were angry all evening. Even the dog tried to bite me."

8. Don't Mess with Mr. In-between: Everything is all positive or all negative. "My boy was on the honor role last year. He's great!" "My kid got a C in math this semester. He has a bad attitude."

Communication conflicts that are created because of distortions in thinking, emotions and behavior can be checked-out by asking the other person, "What do you hear me saying?" or, "How do you feel about what I'm doing?" Asking similar simple questions gives you feedback to see if you are actually sending the message you want to send. It also let's you know if the receiver understands what you actually are trying to communicate or accomplish. This process clears up distortions and reassures us that we are sending love messages to other people on a daily basis and guarantees us that they have received our messages of love.

This article will be continued in next month's issue.